My letter to Amsterdam

This week it is exactly one year ago that I left Amsterdam for Alanya. I had a one way ticket for the 8th of November. I remember the feeling so well. I felt a lot of mixed emotions. Happiness, excitement and relieve mixed with sadness, fear and doubt. After years of resistance the decision of leaving Holland and moving to Turkey was taken within minutes some day in April last year. Without a single question on my mind. So I took the steps that followed with great conviction. I quit my job and ended my rent. I cancelled my registrations, contracts and memberships, I told everyone I know and started to pack my boxes. So far I felt mostly really happy to be stepping out of the routine and into a new adventure. And I was so much looking forward to start living together with Bülent and by that ending the long distance relationship status.
But the closer I got to final, the harder it got. Not to let go of my old life, my routine, but more so to let go of my and friends and a certain future fantasy. Everything felt so much more intense in the light of my goodbyes. The conversations with friends got deeper and more emotional. The dance classes felt like therapy. And Amsterdam looked like a jewel. How could I let go of those things that have become a part of me? I stayed at Tamila’s place the very last week because I had already given up my rent. I will be forever grateful for her support in those days. Boy did we cry a lot and hug a lot too and then laughed about ourselves. Suddenly I felt trapped into some kind of vacuum, it was the weirdest thing. Looking back would bring tears to my eyes while looking forward made me smile and my heart beat faster.

But that last week helped me to let go a lot. I remember walking through the streets, already homeless and feeling it. It was a stormy week, as it usually is in November. Winds always carry change. They lift things, swirl them around and relocate them. And when they’re gone they leave behind a new landscape. This is the natural progress of change manifesting itself. It also brought up my eternal question of home again. Where was my home? Wasn’t it this city? I have made it my Wahlheimat over the years, my home of choice. It had grown on my like a great fitting jacket. And now I was giving it all up again. Wasn’t I? Or maybe not. Maybe this old jacket of mine had paid its service. Maybe I just needed to take it off an put on a new one, a lighter one, because the season had changed.
It was time to move on. Like I had done before. And with that always comes a bitter sweet goodbye.
A piece of a dialogue from ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ came into my mind from Liz’ imaginary dance with her Ex.
But I’ll miss you.
- So miss me.
But I still love you.
- So love me.

So I decided I don’t want to let the missing part holding me back anymore. These feelings are proof of how much you really care, which is a wonderful thing. So I just go ahead and miss and love all I can, knowing it won’t kill me.

Amsterdam has written such an important chapter in my book. I got my first 'real' job in that city when I was 20. And after travelling through Australia and working in Alanya for two years I decided to go back to Amsterdam for University and to get settled there. It will always have its place in my life, regardless where I am. And the more I age the more I begin to understand that maybe my book wasn’t meant to be written in one place anyways.

Hiding from the rain and storms in those few days left, I remember sitting behind the big windows of my favorite Espresso bar and composing a goodbye letter to Amsterdam. Here is what I wrote: 

November 4, 2010

Dear Amsterdam,

I’m leaving in three days.
So I’m saying my goodbyes. 
Goodbye and thank you for having made the past 7 years as memorable as they were.

Thank you for letting me live in the beautiful and safe neighborhood of Oud West, in a small but very comfortable apartment with a nice view. I loved having my own shiny dark green front door in this city. You must have known that number 5 would bring me luck.

Thank you for accepting me into the class rooms of your prestigious University. The lectures, classes and  professors, the viewings, the books and my fellow students at that time gave me what I call my ‘Academical Awakening’ and they have made my world bigger in so many ways.

Thank you for letting me learn, work and party with some very nice people at AT5. This preview into the world of television had been inspiring, challenging and fun all together. 

Thank you for offering me an awesome job in publishing. Signing a contract with Penguin Books was a great idea! I loved working with my wonderful colleagues, in a beautiful office on Herengracht, my trips to Paris and learning about the world of international publishing and literature. I’ve learned so much in those 2,5 years. And I took some very unique experiences and so many great books with me that my shelves are stocked for the years to come.

Thank you for introducing me to the world of Bellydance. Discovering my passion has been the greatest gift. Sharing this passion with the girls and being teached by Kaouthar is something I will always take with me. I will cherish the love and knowledge for this dance and her life lessons like a treasure.

Thank you for all the interesting events, encounters, festivals, and parties. For long picnics at Vondelpark and your great variety of shops, cafés, restaurants and cocktail bars. I will remember those countless, countless coffee and lunch dates and drinks at night with my friends. And shopping days that almost always turned bad days into good days and good days into great ones.

Thank you for never letting my bike get stolen. For boat tours on the canals and the beautiful views from the little bridges of the 9 Straatjes when bicycling on my way to work every morning. I loved those little streets in the morning when shops where about to open, people and students on their bikes everywhere and only a hand full of early tourists straying around. The air is filled with morning light,  the smell of baked bread and fresh coffee and new energy for a day at theoffice. Thank you for your museums, your concerts and fairs and for being the coolest city to be at on Queensday, on new year’s eve and during World Cup Football.

Thank you for your incredible diversity of people, nationalities, languages, food, music, education, religion, job opportunities, fashion, architecture, movie theatres, creative and artistic minds and last but not least your constantly changing weather situation. You look so beautiful when the sun comes out and people almost start to celebrate it. The rainy days made me appreciate the sunny ones even more and made Appeltaart  met slagroom en chocolademelk taste so much better. Thank you for accepting everyone into your city, regardless where they’re coming from, and for always stepping up for minorities. Thank you for setting up the Amsterdam Vluchtstad Foundation, offering writers, poets and journalists a safe haven to write about subjects they are being threatened and persecuted for in their own country.

And thank you most and fore all for bringing my amazing friends into my life! They are truly special people and every single friendship is one of kind. And I’m convinced that the fact that we all live and love your city has made it all the more fun to share the experiences. I will carry them in my heart wherever I go. And as long as they continue to live here, I will always come back.

Thank you Amsterdam. For being and giving all of the above and much more. It’s been an adventure, a great pleasure and a privilege to get to know you and to spend a few years of my life here. 

You had me as a young woman growing up and finding her way. Exploring, celebrating and struggling through life. You had me as a student, a dancer, a biker (a sometimes risky and reckless one, with either a coffee to go or an umbrella in one hand), a dreamer, a hard working employee, and as an admirer. You have seen me looking my best at weddings, birthdays and job interviews and you’ve seen my worst, including very frizzy hair days after a heavy rain shower. You’ve seen me the way I have seen you.. at your best a beautiful, colorful city, with life running through it like a wild river. And at your worst with very cold, dark and wet winter days that would stretch for weeks and months. And with rude waitresses.

You had me in my twenties. 
You had me in my happiest moments and my saddest ones, in my highs and my lows. 
You had me as a citizen until now and you will always have me as a visitor from now onwards.

You had me in love. With life. With the city. With my friendships. And with one man on a distance all along.

That’s where I’ll be going next.

So long my dear Amsterdam. 
May you always stay this way.

Yours truly, 
Katharina

During Football World Cup 2010

View on my neighbourhood, the Jordaan

Here's a song that I used to listen to a lot while sorting out my stuff at home and downsizing my belongings to 30 moving boxes. It's the goodbye song of the dutch band Krezip. I love her voice. 

(video removed, but you can youtube it) :) 

I'm happy to report one year later that I am still living and loving my life in Turkey. I'm so glad I took that decision. And living together with Bülent is one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

So don't be afraid to go ahead and change things in your life.  Be brave, take your chances and do what you believe in and always remember that without change there would be no butterflies.

My trip from home to home

This week exactly one year ago something interesting happened in the world, and in my own life.
I was in Alanya for one week to see Bülent. The season had just started. And just like now, only a handful of early tourists were visiting us in the restaurant, enjoying some food while sitting in the sun warming up their bones after a long winter at home. We had lots of free time together and I remember wishing I could have booked two weeks instead of one.

My wish was about to come true. On the day before my departure my mom called me to tell me that a volcano in Iceland had erupted and that Schiphol among other airports in Europe might be closed for a while. What? They are closing all airports just because of some volcano in far away Iceland?? Little did I know then how serious the situation would become and what the consequences would be in the days that followed. I called my boss to let him know that I was unable to get a flight back to Holland but there was no need to explain. This volcano with the unpronounceable name Eyjafjallajökull was on everybody’s tongue. I kept checking the news a couple of times daily for new updates but pretty soon it became clear to us that airports would stay closed for at least a week. And for this entire week all of Europe was under the spell of one single volcano that suddenly woke up after a 200 years sleep. Bad news for millions of tourists and travelers everywhere. Many of them had to spend night after night on cold airport floors..waiting to go home. With every day that passed people became more nervous, desperate and angry. But all they could do was just wait until this volcano would finally calm down and the winds would blow away these big clouds of ashes.

And while all these countless of travelers desperately wanted to go home, I slowly, and for the first time in all those years, started to realize that maybe I already was home. I had no desire to go back. Bülent and I had talked about ‘our situation’ so many times in the past but it never got us anywhere. A bird may fall in love with a fish but where would they live? Moving to Alanya was not what I had in mind for myself. For a while we planned that Bülent would sell the restaurant and come to live with me in Amsterdam. But as much as I liked the sound of this, this idea only raised more questions and doubts. So we kind of left the puzzle for what it was.. we learned to carefully maneuver our way around it without running in circles and getting lost in frustration and uncertainty. Looking back this ‘we’ll see’ attitude got us pretty far, but I admit it was hard to make any plans for a future together. Nevertheless I happily pushed the ‘ignore all’ button in my mind and we both continued doing what we love to do. After all, our love had proofed to be strong enough to handle the distance. So after my graduation from University three years ago, I signed a permanent contract at Penguin Books. I liked the way things were going in my life at that time. I loved the job, the city and my apartment. I discovered my passion for belly dance and I spent a lot of  time with my friends. Bülent was with me during the winters when the restaurant was closed and I visited him throughout the rest of the year. All was well.. for a while.

But last year something changed. Somehow, for me, the sun set on Amsterdam. I had enough of working 9 to 5 in an office week after week and having to calculate every single day off. I wanted to do something completely different but didn’t know what and how. At the same time I needed to move out of the apartment but buying a new one, with a huge mortgage and a million obligations wasn’t for me either. I thought about signing up at University again but had no idea how to finance a full time study in case I would have to buy a house. I felt pretty lost, not knowing anymore which direction I was heading to. And most of all; I missed Bülent! Because of my limited holidays I sometimes didn’t see him for several months and I hated it.

And just like that, this second week of April 2010, while I was waiting for this Icelandic volcano to calm down so I could go home, I found myself sitting alone on the balcony asking myself: could it be that I already was home? After all, wasn’t home where the heart is? I have my love here, a house and a bed. Our friends are here and through the years Alanya has become like a second home to me. Could it be that everything was much simpler than I thought it was? The more i thought of it the more it started to make perfect sense to move here and start living together. How come I had never seen it this way before? Looking back now I think I really needed the time and the experiences that I gained in the past couple of years to even get to this point. But now the right moment had come to close one chapter and start a new one. Suddenly it felt so easy and natural to imagine what it would be like. And the idea to get out and away from my situation in Amsterdam and into a new life, together with Bülent, felt exciting. In that moment I really wanted to move to Alanya. Of course, these questions of ‘what the heck am I going to do there for myself’ knocked on the door again... but this time they came alone, without their bad companions called fear and confusion. And maybe the whole ‘how’ of things isn’t my department anyways. All I have to worry about is to make a decision, to make a move and take my chances. And everything else would follow from there I told myself. The bird, who fell in love with the fish, will fly into the water and learn to swim. She will surf on the waves of the waters that are home to the fish. And the fish will swim to the surface to be close to his beloved bird and help the bird to stay safe. The little bird will learn to dive and she will teach her dear fish to fly and they will enjoy their new life together. There, on the line where the sky meets the ocean they will meet half way and create a new home together..

That day I wrote down the following words in my notebook:
Change of time, change of place. Change of job and change of case. I’m changing my poem, changing the rhyme. Changing the meaning of the entire line. Change of the outcome, change of plan. I’m changing my mind because I can.

At the end of the second week all smoke and ashes had settled down. And things were not the same anymore, everything had changed. The skies had cleared up again, as had my mind. I booked a new flight back to Amsterdam and took action right away. I quit my job and told my landlady that I would move out soon. I told my contacts for the real estate and mortgage that the plans were cancelled. All this was easy. The hard part was telling my friends about my new plan. Some were very surprised, some said they’d seen it coming. They were happy for me but of course they were not happy at all about me leaving. My family, who already lives abroad, agreed that it would be best for us to move in together. We had talked about me moving there a couple of times before. But the fact I was really going to live in Turkey now, and in Alanya, raised some concerns about my future. I can’t blame them, and some of the concerns are mine as well.  

Change can be a scary thing. I mean really scary. But I believe that if we are willing to reconsider our convictions and review what’s best for ourselves from time to time, we feel more at ease with the changes that we go through. And sometimes, when we are brave enough to take it by the horns and just run with it, we might even be able to grasp a piece of the endless field of possibilities that lies within the change. And that feels fantastic. For the rest, it’s mostly just about taking it one step at the time and keep breathing. And smiling too.

1 year ago...

This week exactly one year ago something interesting happened in the world, and in my own life.
I was in Alanya for one week to see Bülent. The season had just started. And just like now, only a handful of early tourists were visiting us in the restaurant, enjoying some food while sitting in the sun warming up their bones after a long winter at home. We had lots of free time together and I remember wishing I could have booked two weeks instead of one.

My wish was about to come true. On the day before my departure my mom called me to tell me that a volcano in Iceland had erupted and that Schiphol among other airports in Europe might be closed for a while. What? They are closing all airports just because of some volcano in far away Iceland?? Little did I know then how serious the situation would become and what the consequences would be in the days that followed. I called my boss to let him know that I was unable to get a flight back to Holland but there was no need to explain. This volcano with the unpronounceable name Eyjafjallajökull was on everybody’s tongue. I kept checking the news a couple of times daily for new updates but pretty soon it became clear to us that airports would stay closed for at least a week. And for this entire week all of Europe was under the spell of one single volcano that suddenly woke up after a 200 years sleep. Bad news for millions of tourists and travelers everywhere. Many of them had to spend night after night on cold airport floors..waiting to go home. With every day that passed people became more nervous, desperate and angry. But all they could do was just wait until this volcano would finally calm down and the winds would blow away these big clouds of ashes.

And while all these countless of travelers desperately wanted to go home, I slowly, and for the first time in all those years, started to realize that maybe I already was home. I had no desire to go back. Bülent and I had talked about ‘our situation’ so many times in the past but it never got us anywhere. A bird may fall in love with a fish but where would they live? Moving to Alanya was not what I had in mind for myself. For a while we planned that Bülent would sell the restaurant and come to live with me in Amsterdam. But as much as I liked the sound of this, this idea only raised more questions and doubts. So we kind of left the puzzle for what it was.. we learned to carefully maneuver our way around it without running in circles and getting lost in frustration and uncertainty. Looking back this ‘we’ll see’ attitude got us pretty far, but I admit it was hard to make any plans for a future together. Nevertheless I happily pushed the ‘ignore all’ button in my mind and we both continued doing what we love to do. After all, our love had proofed to be strong enough to handle the distance. So after my graduation from University three years ago, I signed a permanent contract at Penguin Books. I liked the way things were going in my life at that time. I loved the job, the city and my apartment. I discovered my passion for belly dance and I spent a lot of  time with my friends. Bülent was with me during the winters when the restaurant was closed and I visited him throughout the rest of the year. All was well.. for a while.

But last year something changed. Somehow, for me, the sun set on Amsterdam. I had enough of working 9 to 5 in an office week after week and having to calculate every single day off. I wanted to do something completely different but didn’t know what and how. At the same time I needed to move out of the apartment but buying a new one, with a huge mortgage and a million obligations wasn’t for me either. I thought about signing up at University again but had no idea how to finance a full time study in case I would have to buy a house. I felt pretty lost, not knowing anymore which direction I was heading to. And most of all; I missed Bülent! Because of my limited holidays I sometimes didn’t see him for several months and I hated it.

And just like that, this second week of April 2010, while I was waiting for this Icelandic volcano to calm down so I could go home, I found myself sitting alone on the balcony asking myself: could it be that I already was home? After all, wasn’t home where the heart is? I have my love here, a house and a bed. Our friends are here and through the years Alanya has become like a second home to me. Could it be that everything was much simpler than I thought it was? The more i thought of it the more it started to make perfect sense to move here and start living together. How come I had never seen it this way before? Looking back now I think I really needed the time and the experiences that I gained in the past couple of years to even get to this point. But now the right moment had come to close one chapter and start a new one. Suddenly it felt so easy and natural to imagine what it would be like. And the idea to get out and away from my situation in Amsterdam and into a new life, together with Bülent, felt exciting. In that moment I really wanted to move to Alanya. Of course, these questions of ‘what the heck am I going to do there for myself’ knocked on the door again... but this time they came alone, without their bad companions called fear and confusion. And maybe the whole ‘how’ of things isn’t my department anyways. All I have to worry about is to make a decision, to make a move and take my chances. And everything else would follow from there I told myself. The bird, who fell in love with the fish, will fly into the water and learn to swim. She will surf on the waves of the waters that are home to the fish. And the fish will swim to the surface to be close to his beloved bird and help the bird to stay safe. The little bird will learn to dive and she will teach her dear fish to fly and they will enjoy their new life together. There, on the line where the sky meets the ocean they will meet half way and create a new home together..

That day I wrote down the following words in my notebook:
Change of time, change of place. Change of job and change of case. I’m changing my poem, changing the rhyme. Changing the meaning of the entire line. Change of the outcome, change of plan. I’m changing my mind because I can.

At the end of the second week all smoke and ashes had settled down. And things were not the same anymore, everything had changed. The skies had cleared up again, as had my mind. I booked a new flight back to Amsterdam and took action right away. I quit my job and told my landlady that I would move out soon. I told my contacts for the real estate and mortgage that the plans were cancelled. All this was easy. The hard part was telling my friends about my new plan. Some were very surprised, some said they’d seen it coming. They were happy for me but of course they were not happy at all about me leaving. My family, who already lives abroad, agreed that it would be best for us to move in together. We had talked about me moving there a couple of times before. But the fact I was really going to live in Turkey now, and in Alanya, raised some concerns about my future. I can’t blame them, and some of the concerns are mine as well.  

Change can be a scary thing. I mean really scary. But I believe that if we are willing to reconsider our convictions and review what’s best for ourselves from time to time, we feel more at ease with the changes that we go through. And sometimes, when we are brave enough to take it by the horns and just run with it, we might even be able to grasp a piece of the endless field of possibilities that lies within the change. And that feels fantastic. For the rest, it’s mostly just about taking it one step at the time and keep breathing. And smiling too.

Every journey starts with a single footstep

Here's a thought for today:

Baby steps are crucial. They set the course and determine the direction into which you’re heading. Be aware of their great importance, regardless how small they might be in the beginning. So whatever it is you are after, do take that first step. And then another one. Keep walking. First slowly if you need to.. but keep going. Walk pass the hills of doubt, fear and insecurity until you come to the fields of endless possibilities. Once you get there you will know what to do next. From there onwards your steps will be more confident, more determined and surely much bigger. And you will smile when you think of that first baby step again.

There’s a reason why you seek this journey.

And it’s most definitely going to be worth it to find out.

Dialogue with my future self

This quiet Sunday afternoon I went for a few glasses of çay in the local ‘Tea Garden’ with B and two friends. We talked about how everyone is worried about the decline in tourism, be it for restaurants, boat tours or shops in town. Europe has been diagnosed with ‘Crisis’ and we can all feel the symptoms of it. What to do about it?  What about the future? Will we need to find new ideas and new concepts? We have to create new opportunities. But how do we do that? And how can we turn things around and make the best of it?

I went home with these questions ringing in my mind. Going online I visited Erin Gate’s inspiring The Elements of Style blog and I stumbled upon a post, written by her boyfriend Andrew Gates a while ago. Reading his advice put me back in focus, back in the here and now. At the end of the post I was telling myself:  ‘You need to stop worrying so much. Everything is going to be ok. Things happen for a reason. Seriously, stop worrying!’

So here is his awesome piece of advice, which I wanted to share with you in case you ever feel like turning to your ‘Future Me’ for a reality check.

10, 20, 30, years from now…or more…I am going to reflect on my life. I tried to put myself at that point and ask what will I think. I was going to regret not going with the start-up. It was clear. Granted, that didn’t make the choice any less scary, but I knew what I needed to do. I continued to think about the “Future Me” and what I would think of the present me.

And Future Me had a bit of advice. He said that we are living in a home, eating applesauce, wearing diapers and all I have are my memories. Don’t screw them up. Spend time with your friends and family, because those are my favorite memories. Stop spending so much time on the little stuff, you can barely remember that anyway. Travel more, you will love Africa. Take a few chances, but not too many that you look like a moron (and you are approaching that level so be careful). Enjoy your successes and indulgences, you will see that guilt is a waste of time. Do things for others without the need for acknowledgment or reciprocation (you will get both in spades anyway). Be happy for others who are more fortunate than you, help those that aren’t, respect both equally. Do things you normally wouldn’t do every so often, those are some fun memories. It is okay to cook and do the dishes, but make sure you say thank you when someone does it for you. When you get here (the future) you don’t want to have settled.

Smart guy. I hear he is handsome too.

We could all benefit from calling our Future Me’s every once in a while. We need that reality check of how most of this won’t matter even a few months from now, much less years. We need to live a little more for the moment.

That doesn’t mean go crazy. It doesn’t mean bounce your last check (ahem! parents and in-laws). It doesn’t mean shun stability and responsibility. It doesn’t mean pack up your shit and move to Nepal. It means to do things you will be happy to look back on. That may mean taking the stable job for some, or going with the start-up for others or even leaving it all behind and going to Nepal for a few months. Life isn’t black and white. There is no need for you to be stable or reckless…you can be somewhere in-between. You don’t have to married by 28. You don’t need to have kids before you are 35. You don’t need to have your career all set by the time you are 40. Life is different for everyone and very few of us live up to the expectations we set for ourselves or other set for us (and those that do probably feel unfilled in some way). Take life as it comes, change it as you go, and stop worrying about where you are now…just enjoy that you are here and moving forward. It takes some people a few years, others a life time. We all get there.

You are a fluid and ever-changing person who is at times scared, happy, sad, bored, worried and excited. Perfect…that’s how you are supposed to be. Think about the future, think about what you want to look back on, and then stop thinking about the future so much. Re-live the good times in the past. Learn from the bad ones and move on…they are not you anymore. Forget the really bad ones. They serve no purpose anymore. Realize that life is both what you make of it, but more importantly how you want to approach it. You can get bogged down with your own shit or you cannot. The choice is yours.

Permalink: http://www.elementsofstyleblog.com/2011/09/deep-thoughts-by-andrew-gates.html

De-cluttering

I'm gonna be honest with you: you have too much stuff.  I know you do because most people do and I'm a lot like you. Is there a bunch of clothes hanging in your wardrobe that you haven't worn since the turn of the century? Are your drawyers stuffed with junk and you are afraid that they will explode in your face when you open them so you prefer to keep them closed? Is your old suitcase filled with bags and shoes and things you don't even remember? Check your kitchen counters, I bet they hide things that you have no idea off.

I was forced to face my clutter some two years ago, when I moved to Turkey. I had to downsize my belongings into 3 cubic meters of moving boxes. Less was ok too, but no more. And downsizing was not one of my skills at that time. Pulling out all the things I was hiding in bags and boxes, on shelves, under the bed and inside my drawers nearly overwhelmed me. The idea of moving into foreign territory made me clinch on to every single item I owned. Suddenly there was this deep sentimental relationship I felt with my old stuff. How the heck was I going to decide what to keep and what to let go off?

When I shared my hopeless state of being with a friend, she advised me to read Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston. I didn't think a book is gonna safe me but I was in a stage where I would have followed any advise so I immediately bought the book. And I read it in 2 days. After that I was unstoppable. Clutter moved through my hands and into boxes and garbage bags in no time. And I filled up my station rent-a-car 4 times with things I donated to a charity organization. There were moments when I was even tempted to get rid of everything, and leave the country without even a toothbrush. Luckily, I have some very cool stuff that I really,really love and cherrish and use. And there is no way I could find similar things in Alanya so I'm happy I kept it.

But once settled in in our new home in Alanya, we were still missing some furniture. So there was a couple of boxes I couldn't unpack. We decided to keep them in extra bedroom 'just for now'. And quickly and sneeky this extra bedroom turned into our storage room, where more and more things got dumped 'just for now'.  Next thing we knew friends brought some of their stuff because they were moving as well, we kept some stuff for the restaurant in there, my mother in-law placed some boxes there because of lack of space in their own apartment and so on. Because that's what happens: clutter attracts clutter.

But this room started to make me extremely nervous. And unhappy. And irritated. And so I grabbed Karen Kingston's book again and reminded myself of why I should never ever create new clutter in my home again. Because getting started and deal with it is hardddd! But I'm telling you, this book is extremely motivating. I read a bit of it one evening and I couldn't sleep so excited was I to get started with room the next day.
The room looks great now, the negative energy around it is completely gone and I'm in the process of turning it into our home office space. Having a real work space, separated fromt the living room, will surely have a positive effect on my work life as well.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because a clutter free space can change your life. Changing the space you live in will change how you feel will change how you live will change who you are. It's a very profound process.

Clutter holds a lot of old, stagnant and negative energy. Getting rid of the old stuff creates a new, open space in your life where fresh energy can flow through. This can have a major effect on your fysical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being. You don't have to do all at once. Even a small de-cluttering project can have a big effect on you.

Here's a tip from me: if you don't absolutely love it or use it donate it. Because someone else will love it more than you. You can make someone else happy with it. And this thing whatever it is that you posess deserves to be appreciated. It's ok to posess some things you like but don't use, but never, never, never let these things begin to posess you. If they tie you down, get rid of it. Let. it. go.

Repeating the following mantra may help: i will never use this, I will never use this, I will never ever use this. Proceed to the give away pile or garbage bag. Repeat.

Let's begin the clutter-free project. Organize that one corner, drawyer or box that is full of junk before end of this year. Do it. And watch what happens. You will thank yourself for it. If you need help, get your hands on a copy of the book first. Start a de-clutter revolution of your own and pass it on to your friends and family. Everyone should have a chance to know and to benefit from a clutter free life.

Good luck and keep me posted on your progress!
If you have a tip of how to de-clutter your space please share it with us below.

I'll be writing more on what you can do to change your personal space and attract what you love in another post.

For now I'll be sending a lot of clean and clear vibes your way tonight.

And off to the kitchen... that rice pudding has been on mind all day since I woke up this morning. It's all that I want to happen for now.

Two years after moving date I still had some unpacked moving boxes. Now, I'm in no way proud of showing you my clutter. I normally would never do such a thing because it's embarrassing and it's ugly. But I'm doing this because I love you. And because I want you to understand that you are not the only one who is hiding clutter in your home. I want you to take a good look at yours and then get rid of it once and for all.

More annoying clutter just sitting there. Stagnant energy. Uglyness to the eye. Chaos to the mind. Away with that! ASAP please!

My poor books had to put up with this mess for way to long. I made it up to them by giving them a better place in the room and organzing the shelves.

Progress. We f.i.n.a.l.l.y. got rid of the stuff that wasn't ours, organized everything else, had the floor re-done with new laminate and the walls painted in a fresh virgin white. Aah! What a relief. I can see the home office plans happening in here.. bare with me. More updates soon. Oh, and please don't judge me for that lamp.. I know it's hidious. But it has been hanging from that ceiling long before we moved in and I couldn't decide what to replace it with yet. Now that I will start to use that room more, I will make the lamp situation a priority. Promise.

10 ways to know you are a creative entrepreneur

You know how there are families out there where the profession runs through their family history? There are doctor families, lawyer families, painter families etc. The classic father & sons companies, passed on from generation to generation.

I was in my late teenage years when I started to realize that being a self employed entrepreneur runs in our family. There's not one family member I can come up with who's working 9-5 for some else's company or business. Not as far as I remember. So I believe it's genetically determined. I was destined to become one myself since the day I was born. This understanding has strongly influenced my decisions of studying, working and moving to Turkey. I knew that Alanya relies almost completely on tourism and agriculture before I moved here. And a local salary wouldn't by far support the lifestyle we have, never mind paying my flight tickets to visit friends and family throughout the year. I knew from the beginning that I would have to stand on my own legs. Something I always wanted to anyways. This would be my chance to do so.

So how do you know you if you are ment to run your own business or not? It's simple, when you feel like it's the only right thing for you to do. That's the easy part. Followed on the foot by the hard part of 'How on earth am I going to do that???'. There is no simple answer for this question. In fact, it will keep popping up down the road again and again, every time you enter a new stage or you are facing new challenges.

But for now, I would love to share this rocking cool list below with you, in case you too are wondering, or ever wondered, if you have it in you to become a creative entrepreneur. I double check #10, now struggling to work out how to manifest #9.

You know you are a creative entrepreneur  if:

1. You are challenged by working for others and you march to the beat of your own drummer.
2. You have a job working for someone else but you constantly imagine what you would do if you were self-employed.
3. You see the world as a place to experience life, not just make it through another day.
4. You have a unique perspective that you manifest and express using your own vocabulary – such as color, texture, shape, harmony, melody, composition, pitch, shade, tone, clarity, ambiguity, to the touch, palette, savory, sweet, light, dark … [add your own vocabulary here]
5. You encounter another creative person doing really authentic, honest work, and it makes you light up inside.
6. You graciously accept monetary compensation for your hard work and have a real sense of the value of your time and how that translates into what you’ve produced.
7. It is difficult for you to separate what you love from what you do.
8. You are never satisfied, and continuously yearn for ways to grow and develop yourself through your creative talent.
9. You are able to put both your right and left brain to work to produce something that is at once creative and also profitable.
10. It kills your spirit to work in any job other than what you feel drawn to creatively.

What do you think? Do you recognize yourself in most of the above? If so, you too might be a creative entrepreneur who can achieve amazing things once you start marching to the beat of your own drummer. I know, it's insanely scary. At least in the beginning it is. But once you've decided to FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY it's all about down sizing your action plan into bite-sized little chunks and baby steps. Baby steps are not scary. They are super exciting. And everyone can do them. Yes, including you canım benim. :)

Source: This list was composed by Tara Lutman Agacayak (www.taraagacayak.com). She is an American ex-pat and creative entrepreneur living in Istanbul. The above image (Self Portrait by flapperdoodle) and list were published on 'When I Grow Up Coach:  http://whenigrowupcoach.com/2009/11/12/ten-ways-to-know-if-youre-a-creative-entrepreneur.

Creative Commons
"Michelle Ward, aka The When I Grow Up Coach, helps creative people devise the career they think they can't have - or discover it to begin with! A certified life coach by the International Coach Academy, a musical theater actress with her BFA from NYU/Tisch, and a Corporate America escapee, Michelle has served as an expert source and contributor for such outlets as Newsweek, Forbes, and Psychology Today, as well as leading workshops and seminars at SXSW 2011 and the sold-out Etsy Success Symposium. She could be found coachin', bloggin' & givin' away free stuff at whenigrowupcoach.com."

Back to School

It’s Monday, September 3rd. And it’s ‘Back to School’ day, also known in France as ‘La Rentrée’.

I know, I know.. those years are far behind me. But the feeling that I get at the beginning of September every year never left me.  It’s that excitement of a fresh start. Of seeing your friends again after the holidays. Of a bag full of new pencils, unwritten notebooks, an empty agenda and new hopes, expectations and goals.

It’s a day of looking your best and of wearing crispy new clothes. Of picking up where you left things off one summer ago and feeling a little bit older and wiser, matured somehow, eager to attend the new classes in the next grade.

It’s almost like on New Year’s day, but different. It feels like getting a second chance, in the middle of the year, to upgrade, to reset your goals and to get your records straight. A chance to make a second entry, a powerful rentrée. I still love dividing the year into semesters. It just gives me more control over my planning throughout the year plus it’s much more motivating to set and reach your goals that way. And if something didn't happen the way you hoped it would be back in January, don't hold on to it. The good news is there is no teacher who will judge or fail you anymore. You're your teacher now. So feel free to take your eraser or red pencil and change it. Adjust. Evaluate. Re-formulate. Take a fresh breath. With the knowlegde you have now. Stay flexible and positive and on the look out for new possibilities that may have appeared in the meantime.

So here are some of goals for this fall:

• Launching our website this month.
• Pulling in our first customer before end of this year.
• Transform the third bedroom (used and abused as a storage room right now) into a home office.
• Renovating the hall and kitchen.
• Going to Istanbul.
• Working out REGULARLY at Curves again.
• Expanding Canim Benim.

See, we never stop learning, growing, changing, planning and experiencing after we graduate. Because we’re all students of the School of Life. So good we have the first week of September to remind us of that. And to give us a chance to continue what we were doing with new awareness and fresh motivation.

HAPPY ‘BACK TO SCHOOL’ EVERYONE! :-)

All images found on www.pinterest.com

A beautiful moment

I’m preparing for the exams tomorrow and after tomorrow. Two months at Tömer have passed already and we are getting tested before passing on to the third level.

It was such a sunny and windy day today that I had to spend some time outside first before putting my bum down to study. Bülent and I went up to the castle for some delicious gözleme and çay and sat in the sun with breathtaking view over the whole bay, behind the old stones of the castle walls. I don’t think I will ever get tired of that view from above. No matter what kind of struggles I encounter ‘down there’ when I’m up on that hill taking in the view, looking down at the houses, beaches and the clear blue sea I feel privileged and nothing but gratefulness to be living in such a beautiful place. With the love of my life right in front of me, stirring the sugar cubes in his tiny glass of tea.

Blogs are like windows

I want to take a little moment here to tell you all that you are truly amazing and that I feel so excited and motivated to continue writing this blog thanks to you all. Since I started this blog a few months ago, it has been quoted, published and commented on and it’s so cool to realize that this whole writing adventure is turning into a give and take experience.

I had my sister here for a week and we had lots of fun together. But she left yesterday and I felt a bit down and empty after she was gone. That’s when I opened my blog and saw a comment on my Alaçatı post that instantly cheered me up and made my day: “You’re so cool! I don’t suppose I’ve read something like this before. So good to search out someone with some original thoughts on this subject. Really thanks for beginning this up. This website is something that is needed on the net, someone with just a little originality. Useful job for bringing something new to the web!”

Dear Jose Mis, thank you so much for taking the time to let me know what you think about it. I really appreciate it. Offering a different and refreshing look on the subjects I write about is exactly what I want to accomplish with my blog. I know that there are a lot of opinions out there about Turkey, good and not so good. Living here I find myself often confronted with both. So much has been said and written in the media about this country, it’s people, culture, history, politics and religion. Here and in Europe. And often without being aware of it we turn these opinions into judgments, judgments that we start to believe hold the truth. And we allow them to accompany us on our journeys in life, we carry them like glasses through which we see the world around us. But personal experiences and encounters teach us different. We come to understand time and again that there is an endless spectrum of colors between the black and white. With this blog all I want to accomplish is to open the hearts and minds (including my own) a little bit more towards everything that Turkey is about. I want to let things speek for themselves and I want to focus on the bright side of life. There is so much beauty around us. So much creativity, talent and inspiration. Sometimes right in front of us, out in the open and sometimes hidden. I wish for this blog to become like a window inside the walls of this construction that we call the net. A window for readers on both sides, in Europe and in Turkey, to look through and to hopefully enjoy what they see on the other side.. while making up their own minds about it.

So thank you all again for encouraging me to do so. And for your contribution by spreading the word (better said the link) and sending me your comments and thoughts. I love hearing from you.

Blessings,
K.

Below a few pictures with my noodle sister at the end of a day at the beach.

Waiting for Fall

I am waiting for fall.

Waiting for the heat to cool down. I'm longing for the crispy morning air. And the chill in the evenings.

But although the days pass quickly, seasons change slowly here.

I remember autumn in Holland. The colors. And the smell of rain. Stormy days. Umbrellas. Spider webs on my bike in the mornings. Thousands of leaves flying through the air and streets.

I don't miss it much. The sun kisses our faces here every morning. It warms our heart and soul.

But I am over sweaty faces and I'm over flip flops and tank tops after so many months.
I want to snuggle up in cozy café's again. I want to wear boots. I want to take a walk on the beach, watching the waves of a sea that has turned from a bright blue to greens and greys. The wind messing up my hair. With pink cheeks and wrapped up in a scarf. I want to sleep under a warm blanket again, feeling the comfort.

Soon.. nature is telling me, soon. Greens turn into shades of gold.  Tourists are slowly leaving. The sun, still strong, is setting a bit sooner now. Fall is still not here yet, but it's arrival has been announced.

Spinning..

Today is the 1st of October and it happens to be on a Monday. I like it when that happens.. all months should start on the first day of the week I think. It just makes more sense, it feels more organized in a way.. It’s funny and I realize that this must be the German side of me talking.

But little did I know that this day was holding some surprises in store.

I left the house this morning to meet my friend Josefin and her cute little baby boy for breakfast at Simit Sarayı. It was another warm and sunny day. We had a really good talk, discussing her ideas to set up a new business for herself. No need to say that I am always a huge supporter in decisions like these.

Then suddenly and out of the blue a storm came up. Palm trees were bending to the sides and our paper coffee cups almost flew off the table. Dark clouds and lightning’s in the sky, some heavy raindrops here and there and people holding on to their
hats and skirts.

The first storm of the new season.

It was over as quickly as it had started. But it surely let us know that those seemingly endless days of sun and blue skies were numbered. Then, this afternoon, as I was getting ready to go to the gym, a close friend of mine called to ask if he could have a coffee with me to discuss work and something private.

First the private part: him and his girlfriend are expecting. He’s going to be a daddy next year in spring. I was surprised, but then again I saw it coming. And I was happy to see him so happy about it.

Then the work part: he suggested teamwork. An-offer-you-can’t-turn-down-but-I-still-have-to-think-about-it kind of thing. Because of Yellow Rock, which is my priority at the moment. And because we're friends. Will come back to this in another post soon. Need to discuss with Elif and B first.  This too took me by surprise.

Back to the first part. The baby part. He started asking the ‘what about you and B’ questions. He ‘was pushing me, trying hard to take away every ‘but’ I could come up with. He said that there is absolutely no reason to wait anymore, given the long and happy relationship I’m in, our situation as it is now and also my age. Not that I'm getting too old for a baby but I'm old enough to have one.

He is just one of the many ones who’s asking us about it. I probably don’t need to tell you how everyone in Turkey gets married and has babies right away without never ever even thinking about wanting to wait. Or having the option of not wanting children at all.. omg, Allah korusun no!  And when you get passed 30 it’s not just the people you know in Turkey anymore but also the ones in Holland and everywhere else in the world. And it only got more since I moved here and we are living together. And I do want a baby. I really, really do. We both do. But I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know how you know when you are ready. I’m not obsessed with baby clothes and baby rooms yet.. so I don’t mind to take my time. I like to flirt with the thought of having a baby but it's not on my mind constantly. But what if I won’t get to that obsession at all.. and just keep being busy with other great things and then miss the baby boat or something.

'Why are you waiting so long' he asked. I'm not waiting. Or am I? If so then why doesn't it feel like waiting? Since when did all of this start to be so confusing?

So you see how this day got my head spinning.

Spinning with excitement. I’m excited about the opportunities coming up. About new projects. About working together with people who inspire me, who believe in me and who bring out the bold and ambitious side of me.

Spinning with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not making it happen. Fear of not knowing what’s the right thing to do. Fear of taking a wrong decision. Fear of working with friends and putting the friendship to a test.

Spinning with how’s. How do you know when you are ready for a baby. How will our life change. How will we do as parents. How will I combine having a baby with starting up a business. How will it be to raise a child in Turkey.

Spinning with Love.  The love I feel for B. Love for my friends and family. Love for life for taking me on this amazing journey and bringing me here. My love for babies..

There have been some surprises today. Surprises that came and shook me a bit like the storm did to those palm trees. It’s time to wake up. Apparently those long, lazy summer days are over. It’s time to take action. Time to take decisions..
But also, time to think.. and to give time some time to show what’s right.

Today I will ask you to rather leave me some advise instead of ‘comments’.. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. Especially about the baby part.. and from those who’ve been there and just knew.

A dark sky this morning, just moments before the storm..