My letter to Amsterdam

This week it is exactly one year ago that I left Amsterdam for Alanya. I had a one way ticket for the 8th of November. I remember the feeling so well. I felt a lot of mixed emotions. Happiness, excitement and relieve mixed with sadness, fear and doubt. After years of resistance the decision of leaving Holland and moving to Turkey was taken within minutes some day in April last year. Without a single question on my mind. So I took the steps that followed with great conviction. I quit my job and ended my rent. I cancelled my registrations, contracts and memberships, I told everyone I know and started to pack my boxes. So far I felt mostly really happy to be stepping out of the routine and into a new adventure. And I was so much looking forward to start living together with Bülent and by that ending the long distance relationship status.
But the closer I got to final, the harder it got. Not to let go of my old life, my routine, but more so to let go of my and friends and a certain future fantasy. Everything felt so much more intense in the light of my goodbyes. The conversations with friends got deeper and more emotional. The dance classes felt like therapy. And Amsterdam looked like a jewel. How could I let go of those things that have become a part of me? I stayed at Tamila’s place the very last week because I had already given up my rent. I will be forever grateful for her support in those days. Boy did we cry a lot and hug a lot too and then laughed about ourselves. Suddenly I felt trapped into some kind of vacuum, it was the weirdest thing. Looking back would bring tears to my eyes while looking forward made me smile and my heart beat faster.

But that last week helped me to let go a lot. I remember walking through the streets, already homeless and feeling it. It was a stormy week, as it usually is in November. Winds always carry change. They lift things, swirl them around and relocate them. And when they’re gone they leave behind a new landscape. This is the natural progress of change manifesting itself. It also brought up my eternal question of home again. Where was my home? Wasn’t it this city? I have made it my Wahlheimat over the years, my home of choice. It had grown on my like a great fitting jacket. And now I was giving it all up again. Wasn’t I? Or maybe not. Maybe this old jacket of mine had paid its service. Maybe I just needed to take it off an put on a new one, a lighter one, because the season had changed.
It was time to move on. Like I had done before. And with that always comes a bitter sweet goodbye.
A piece of a dialogue from ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ came into my mind from Liz’ imaginary dance with her Ex.
But I’ll miss you.
- So miss me.
But I still love you.
- So love me.

So I decided I don’t want to let the missing part holding me back anymore. These feelings are proof of how much you really care, which is a wonderful thing. So I just go ahead and miss and love all I can, knowing it won’t kill me.

Amsterdam has written such an important chapter in my book. I got my first 'real' job in that city when I was 20. And after travelling through Australia and working in Alanya for two years I decided to go back to Amsterdam for University and to get settled there. It will always have its place in my life, regardless where I am. And the more I age the more I begin to understand that maybe my book wasn’t meant to be written in one place anyways.

Hiding from the rain and storms in those few days left, I remember sitting behind the big windows of my favorite Espresso bar and composing a goodbye letter to Amsterdam. Here is what I wrote: 

November 4, 2010

Dear Amsterdam,

I’m leaving in three days.
So I’m saying my goodbyes. 
Goodbye and thank you for having made the past 7 years as memorable as they were.

Thank you for letting me live in the beautiful and safe neighborhood of Oud West, in a small but very comfortable apartment with a nice view. I loved having my own shiny dark green front door in this city. You must have known that number 5 would bring me luck.

Thank you for accepting me into the class rooms of your prestigious University. The lectures, classes and  professors, the viewings, the books and my fellow students at that time gave me what I call my ‘Academical Awakening’ and they have made my world bigger in so many ways.

Thank you for letting me learn, work and party with some very nice people at AT5. This preview into the world of television had been inspiring, challenging and fun all together. 

Thank you for offering me an awesome job in publishing. Signing a contract with Penguin Books was a great idea! I loved working with my wonderful colleagues, in a beautiful office on Herengracht, my trips to Paris and learning about the world of international publishing and literature. I’ve learned so much in those 2,5 years. And I took some very unique experiences and so many great books with me that my shelves are stocked for the years to come.

Thank you for introducing me to the world of Bellydance. Discovering my passion has been the greatest gift. Sharing this passion with the girls and being teached by Kaouthar is something I will always take with me. I will cherish the love and knowledge for this dance and her life lessons like a treasure.

Thank you for all the interesting events, encounters, festivals, and parties. For long picnics at Vondelpark and your great variety of shops, cafés, restaurants and cocktail bars. I will remember those countless, countless coffee and lunch dates and drinks at night with my friends. And shopping days that almost always turned bad days into good days and good days into great ones.

Thank you for never letting my bike get stolen. For boat tours on the canals and the beautiful views from the little bridges of the 9 Straatjes when bicycling on my way to work every morning. I loved those little streets in the morning when shops where about to open, people and students on their bikes everywhere and only a hand full of early tourists straying around. The air is filled with morning light,  the smell of baked bread and fresh coffee and new energy for a day at theoffice. Thank you for your museums, your concerts and fairs and for being the coolest city to be at on Queensday, on new year’s eve and during World Cup Football.

Thank you for your incredible diversity of people, nationalities, languages, food, music, education, religion, job opportunities, fashion, architecture, movie theatres, creative and artistic minds and last but not least your constantly changing weather situation. You look so beautiful when the sun comes out and people almost start to celebrate it. The rainy days made me appreciate the sunny ones even more and made Appeltaart  met slagroom en chocolademelk taste so much better. Thank you for accepting everyone into your city, regardless where they’re coming from, and for always stepping up for minorities. Thank you for setting up the Amsterdam Vluchtstad Foundation, offering writers, poets and journalists a safe haven to write about subjects they are being threatened and persecuted for in their own country.

And thank you most and fore all for bringing my amazing friends into my life! They are truly special people and every single friendship is one of kind. And I’m convinced that the fact that we all live and love your city has made it all the more fun to share the experiences. I will carry them in my heart wherever I go. And as long as they continue to live here, I will always come back.

Thank you Amsterdam. For being and giving all of the above and much more. It’s been an adventure, a great pleasure and a privilege to get to know you and to spend a few years of my life here. 

You had me as a young woman growing up and finding her way. Exploring, celebrating and struggling through life. You had me as a student, a dancer, a biker (a sometimes risky and reckless one, with either a coffee to go or an umbrella in one hand), a dreamer, a hard working employee, and as an admirer. You have seen me looking my best at weddings, birthdays and job interviews and you’ve seen my worst, including very frizzy hair days after a heavy rain shower. You’ve seen me the way I have seen you.. at your best a beautiful, colorful city, with life running through it like a wild river. And at your worst with very cold, dark and wet winter days that would stretch for weeks and months. And with rude waitresses.

You had me in my twenties. 
You had me in my happiest moments and my saddest ones, in my highs and my lows. 
You had me as a citizen until now and you will always have me as a visitor from now onwards.

You had me in love. With life. With the city. With my friendships. And with one man on a distance all along.

That’s where I’ll be going next.

So long my dear Amsterdam. 
May you always stay this way.

Yours truly, 
Katharina

During Football World Cup 2010

View on my neighbourhood, the Jordaan

Here's a song that I used to listen to a lot while sorting out my stuff at home and downsizing my belongings to 30 moving boxes. It's the goodbye song of the dutch band Krezip. I love her voice. 

(video removed, but you can youtube it) :) 

I'm happy to report one year later that I am still living and loving my life in Turkey. I'm so glad I took that decision. And living together with Bülent is one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

So don't be afraid to go ahead and change things in your life.  Be brave, take your chances and do what you believe in and always remember that without change there would be no butterflies.