1 year ago...

This week exactly one year ago something interesting happened in the world, and in my own life.
I was in Alanya for one week to see Bülent. The season had just started. And just like now, only a handful of early tourists were visiting us in the restaurant, enjoying some food while sitting in the sun warming up their bones after a long winter at home. We had lots of free time together and I remember wishing I could have booked two weeks instead of one.

My wish was about to come true. On the day before my departure my mom called me to tell me that a volcano in Iceland had erupted and that Schiphol among other airports in Europe might be closed for a while. What? They are closing all airports just because of some volcano in far away Iceland?? Little did I know then how serious the situation would become and what the consequences would be in the days that followed. I called my boss to let him know that I was unable to get a flight back to Holland but there was no need to explain. This volcano with the unpronounceable name Eyjafjallajökull was on everybody’s tongue. I kept checking the news a couple of times daily for new updates but pretty soon it became clear to us that airports would stay closed for at least a week. And for this entire week all of Europe was under the spell of one single volcano that suddenly woke up after a 200 years sleep. Bad news for millions of tourists and travelers everywhere. Many of them had to spend night after night on cold airport floors..waiting to go home. With every day that passed people became more nervous, desperate and angry. But all they could do was just wait until this volcano would finally calm down and the winds would blow away these big clouds of ashes.

And while all these countless of travelers desperately wanted to go home, I slowly, and for the first time in all those years, started to realize that maybe I already was home. I had no desire to go back. Bülent and I had talked about ‘our situation’ so many times in the past but it never got us anywhere. A bird may fall in love with a fish but where would they live? Moving to Alanya was not what I had in mind for myself. For a while we planned that Bülent would sell the restaurant and come to live with me in Amsterdam. But as much as I liked the sound of this, this idea only raised more questions and doubts. So we kind of left the puzzle for what it was.. we learned to carefully maneuver our way around it without running in circles and getting lost in frustration and uncertainty. Looking back this ‘we’ll see’ attitude got us pretty far, but I admit it was hard to make any plans for a future together. Nevertheless I happily pushed the ‘ignore all’ button in my mind and we both continued doing what we love to do. After all, our love had proofed to be strong enough to handle the distance. So after my graduation from University three years ago, I signed a permanent contract at Penguin Books. I liked the way things were going in my life at that time. I loved the job, the city and my apartment. I discovered my passion for belly dance and I spent a lot of  time with my friends. Bülent was with me during the winters when the restaurant was closed and I visited him throughout the rest of the year. All was well.. for a while.

But last year something changed. Somehow, for me, the sun set on Amsterdam. I had enough of working 9 to 5 in an office week after week and having to calculate every single day off. I wanted to do something completely different but didn’t know what and how. At the same time I needed to move out of the apartment but buying a new one, with a huge mortgage and a million obligations wasn’t for me either. I thought about signing up at University again but had no idea how to finance a full time study in case I would have to buy a house. I felt pretty lost, not knowing anymore which direction I was heading to. And most of all; I missed Bülent! Because of my limited holidays I sometimes didn’t see him for several months and I hated it.

And just like that, this second week of April 2010, while I was waiting for this Icelandic volcano to calm down so I could go home, I found myself sitting alone on the balcony asking myself: could it be that I already was home? After all, wasn’t home where the heart is? I have my love here, a house and a bed. Our friends are here and through the years Alanya has become like a second home to me. Could it be that everything was much simpler than I thought it was? The more i thought of it the more it started to make perfect sense to move here and start living together. How come I had never seen it this way before? Looking back now I think I really needed the time and the experiences that I gained in the past couple of years to even get to this point. But now the right moment had come to close one chapter and start a new one. Suddenly it felt so easy and natural to imagine what it would be like. And the idea to get out and away from my situation in Amsterdam and into a new life, together with Bülent, felt exciting. In that moment I really wanted to move to Alanya. Of course, these questions of ‘what the heck am I going to do there for myself’ knocked on the door again... but this time they came alone, without their bad companions called fear and confusion. And maybe the whole ‘how’ of things isn’t my department anyways. All I have to worry about is to make a decision, to make a move and take my chances. And everything else would follow from there I told myself. The bird, who fell in love with the fish, will fly into the water and learn to swim. She will surf on the waves of the waters that are home to the fish. And the fish will swim to the surface to be close to his beloved bird and help the bird to stay safe. The little bird will learn to dive and she will teach her dear fish to fly and they will enjoy their new life together. There, on the line where the sky meets the ocean they will meet half way and create a new home together..

That day I wrote down the following words in my notebook:
Change of time, change of place. Change of job and change of case. I’m changing my poem, changing the rhyme. Changing the meaning of the entire line. Change of the outcome, change of plan. I’m changing my mind because I can.

At the end of the second week all smoke and ashes had settled down. And things were not the same anymore, everything had changed. The skies had cleared up again, as had my mind. I booked a new flight back to Amsterdam and took action right away. I quit my job and told my landlady that I would move out soon. I told my contacts for the real estate and mortgage that the plans were cancelled. All this was easy. The hard part was telling my friends about my new plan. Some were very surprised, some said they’d seen it coming. They were happy for me but of course they were not happy at all about me leaving. My family, who already lives abroad, agreed that it would be best for us to move in together. We had talked about me moving there a couple of times before. But the fact I was really going to live in Turkey now, and in Alanya, raised some concerns about my future. I can’t blame them, and some of the concerns are mine as well.  

Change can be a scary thing. I mean really scary. But I believe that if we are willing to reconsider our convictions and review what’s best for ourselves from time to time, we feel more at ease with the changes that we go through. And sometimes, when we are brave enough to take it by the horns and just run with it, we might even be able to grasp a piece of the endless field of possibilities that lies within the change. And that feels fantastic. For the rest, it’s mostly just about taking it one step at the time and keep breathing. And smiling too.