Dear Baby Boy, Happy 1st Birthday!

Today we celebrate your first birthday. We celebrate you. On this day one year ago your mama and baba rushed to the hospital on a warm October afternoon as you announced your arrival into this world. I will always remember that day for as long as I live. And even though that night everything seemed to pass by in a blur, every single moment, every emotion, every word, the room, the nurses.. everything is carved in all the details into my memory forever. And yes, also the pain. Pain with such purpose. Pain transforming into pure life force. It felt as if even time was holding its breath that night as we experienced together how your journey, that started nine months earlier, brought you from your inner most safe and secret world out into the light and into our arms.

We already loved you long before you were born, ever since we saw those two little lines on the pregnancy test and heard your heartbeat for the first time on the ultrasound. But nothing could prepare me for the love I would feel when I first held you in my arms and you glanced into my eyes. You, most perfect and tiniest you. Without you the universe and all that there is would be a little less.

As I was taking my first steps into motherhood days turned into weeks turned into months turned into seasons and into your first year. We have been inseparable for what has been one year of my life but all of yours. And I don’t even remember very well anymore how you could not have been in mine before. That’s what motherhood does to you, it changes your life so profoundly and so completely.  Before you I thought I knew the meaning of patience, doubt and hope. And that I understood the notion of feeling grateful, connected and blessed. But you, as small as you still are, already taught me a that there is a whole other level to these things.

New born, baby, toddler. Every day you grow. Reaching new milestones and learning new skills on your way to independency. We celebrate them and encourage you in all your new adventures. But every new stage is also a bittersweet goodbye from the previous one and from the little baby that you have been only a short while ago. I try to capture the wonderful moments with you in writing and in photographs. Eager to document them and safe them for a lifetime to remember.  Already I can feel the different pace of time that parenthood is bound to. The days can be long, especially when they start as early as the first call to morning prayer, yet the years will flow by so very quickly. We’ll be holding your hand when you take your  first steps soon. We’ll be blowing out candles on cakes and buy school books and meet girlfriends and help you learn how to drive a car and celebrate graduation and maybe dance with you on your wedding day one day. And we will watch you grow up as we will grow with you and yes, also grow old, and it will all go so fast that I can’t breathe when I think of it. But today, in the here and now, I am your mommy and you are my baby and it will be like that for all the here and nows of all the tomorrows too. Today you are my happiest little boy, sitting on the floor, screaming in delight at the colorful balloons flying around in the room. You laugh at the silly faces that we make and clap your tiny hands to the birthday songs I sing for you in different languages and you point your little finger at everything that catches your attention. When we ask for a kiss you push your whole cute little face into our cheek which is the best of the best of anything. I love you so very much my little one, more than you will ever know. 

Happy first birthday my sunshine, thank you for being mine. 

Mama

A letter to my son on his first birthday! (published in HELLO Alanya, November 2014)

Dear Baby Boy,

Today we celebrate your first birthday. We celebrate you. On this day one year ago your mama and baba rushed to the hospital on a warm October afternoon as you announced your arrival into this world. I will always remember that day for as long as I live. And even though that night everything seemed to pass by in a blur, every single moment, every emotion, every word, the room, the nurses.. everything is carved in all the details into my memory forever. And yes, also the pain. Pain with such purpose. Pain transforming into pure life force. It felt as if even time was holding its breath that night as we experienced together how your journey, that started nine months earlier, brought you from your inner most safe and secret world out into the light and into our arms.

We already loved you long before you were born, ever since we saw those two little lines on the pregnancy test and heard your heartbeat for the first time on the ultrasound. But nothing could prepare me for the love I would feel when I first held you in my arms and you glanced into my eyes. You, most perfect and tiniest you. Without you the universe and all that there is would be a little less.

As I was taking my first steps into motherhood days turned into weeks turned into months turned into seasons and into your first year. We have been inseparable for what has been one year of my life but all of yours. And I don’t even remember very well anymore how you could not have been in mine before. That’s what motherhood does to you, it changes your life so profoundly and so completely.  Before you I thought I knew the meaning of patience, doubt and hope. And that I understood the notion of feeling grateful, connected and blessed. But you, as small as you still are, already taught me a that there is a whole other level to these things.

New born, baby, toddler. Every day you grow. Reaching new milestones and learning new skills on your way to independency. We celebrate them and encourage you in all your new adventures. But every new stage is also a bittersweet goodbye from the previous one and from the little baby that you have been only a short while ago. I try to capture the wonderful moments with you in writing and in photographs. Eager to document them and safe them for a lifetime to remember.  Already I can feel the different pace of time that parenthood is bound to. The days can be long, especially when they start as early as the first call to morning prayer, yet the years will flow by so very quickly. We’ll be holding your hand when you take your  first steps soon. We’ll be blowing out candles on cakes and buy school books and meet girlfriends and help you learn how to drive a car and celebrate graduation and maybe dance with you on your wedding day one day. And we will watch you grow up as we will grow with you and yes, also grow old, and it will all go so fast that I can’t breathe when I think of it. But today, in the here and now, I am your mommy and you are my baby and it will be like that for all the here and nows of all the tomorrows too. Today you are my happiest little boy, sitting on the floor, screaming in delight at the colorful balloons flying around in the room. You laugh at the silly faces that we make and clap your tiny hands to the birthday songs I sing for you in different languages and you point your little finger at everything that catches your attention. When we ask for a kiss you push your whole cute little face into our cheek which is the best of the best of anything. I love you so very much my little one, more than you will ever know. 

Happy first birthday my sunshine, thank you for being mine. 

Mama

Happy Ever After (published in HELLO Alanya, October 2014)

It’s autumn in Alanya and with that ‘The Season’ is almost over. And as one season is saying goodbye another, very romantic season comes rolling in; the wedding season. There is a lot of decorated wedding cars driving around in the streets of Alanya for as long as the ‘r’ is in the month so to say. ‘R’ standing for Ring, obviously. Expect to spot a wedding couple having its pictures taken on one of the many beautiful locations in town. And you might have to spend a whole lot of time at your hairdresser’s salon for what usually takes only an hour, as everyone is busy running around to get the bride and her huge entourage ready and looking as glamorous as ever on the big day. At night there are the fireworks who light up the black sky and that is how I know that somewhere out there yet another couple just said ‘Evet’ to each other that very moment and I silently send them my best wishes.

I am having the privilege of being invited to three weddings this fall. When a good friend of mine, who once used to live here herself, asked me this summer when one of these wedding would be I answered: ‘somewhere at the end of the season’. She laughed and said: ‘that is such an Alanya thing to say’. I guess that’s true. There’s a lot of things we say that only make sense when you actually live here, but I’ll safe that for another column.

The truth is that weddings are always special and wonderful, but for some reason the ones I am attending this year somehow feel extra special in a way.  One is a close friend of Bülent getting married to a lovely girl I just met. The other one is a German – Turkish wedding. Cross cultural weddings always lift my spirits and make them do a little happy dance all while waving the victory flag. These couples are close to my heart and make me feel proud of them for having found a way to bridge and celebrate their love for each other against all odds and challenges they went through without a doubt. And the last one is so extra super special because it’s our best friend’s wedding. Someone I know since my very first evening of having arrived in Alanya some 13 years ago. For a big part of that time he has been going through life as a very attractive and successful bachelor, the I-want-to-settle-down-but-can’t-find-The-One kind of thing. And to be fair, working in the tourism industry brings some very big challenges on its own into the picture when it comes to finding and keeping the right partner. The whole world, ok maybe not the world, but everyone who knows him, which covers quite a substantial part of it, has been waiting for this glorious day to come. Kind of like with George Clooney I’d say, who also as if by a miracle just got married by the way. I can’t even express how happy I am to know that my dear friend finally has found The One, who definitely was worth all the waiting I want to add, and to see him tie the knot in a couple of days.

And to these wonderful friends of ours, and all the other couples out there who are getting married in Alanya this winter, I want to wish all of you a lifetime of love and happiness. May you always stay in love and may there be many lovely surprises and many sweet babies in the years to come inshallah. The roads will be up and down in the future, as they always are, but hopefully many times more up. No matter what life has in store for you, always remember all the beautiful reasons of what made you fall in love with each other in the first place and the magic of your wedding day. 

Back to School (published in HELLO Alanya, September 2014)

It’s September. And it’s ‘Back to School’ month all over the world. I know, I know.. those years are far behind me. But the special feeling that I get at the beginning of September every year never left me. Though sad that the holidays were over I used to feel excited about making a fresh start.  A bag full of new pencils, unwritten notebooks, empty agenda’s and new hopes, expectations and goals for the year ahead. The first day at school is a day of looking your best and of wearing crispy new clothes. A day of picking up where you left things one summer ago. Only that now, after a long and lazy break, you feel a little bit older and wiser, matured somehow, eager to see your class mates again and to attend the new classes in the next grade.

School or no school, September has always got this ‘back to business’ character. It’s almost like on New Year’s day, but different. It feels like getting a second chance in the middle of the year. A chance to evaluate and to upgrade things, to reset new goals and to get your records straight. Though my days at the University are long over I still feel like hitting the ‘refresh button’ every time when September comes around. And I still like to divide the year into semesters. It’s a good way to stay motivated and to reach your personal goals. So think about what you want to make happen between now and the end of this year. Make sure your goals are realistic and come up with an action plan that you can follow up on. It can be a big project like buying a new house or renovating your home or maybe improving your Turkish vocabulary. Or something small but important to you, maybe something you that you have been postponing for while like learning to cook some Turkish dishes.

As for me, I’ve got three little points so far. The first is to finally organize that ridiculous amount of pictures I took since we had been blessed with arrival of our baby boy late last year. And I need to print some of them. For framing and to put together an album of his first year. Now that the chaos that comes with a baby has been replaced by a new found routine, my fingers are itching to get started on that project.
The second thing on my list is going on a little trip with my boys to the ‘Ege’ side of the country this fall. I wanted to go there with Bülent last year already but we couldn’t make it. This year it will be the three of us and I am so much looking forward to the road trip, walking through pretty cobble stone streets with white houses and blue window frames and eating a kumru sandwich by the sea. Perfect to unwind and remind myself that life is best when lived in all its simplicity.
The last thing is a project close to my heart. I want to redesign my blog canimbenim.blog.com. I’ve been having so many problems with the host that it affected my ability and joy of blogging over there. If you take a look you will see that my last entry was during my pregnancy last year. Such a shame. Meanwhile readers have been contacting me, asking when I start blogging again. And I love them for that. It’s the best motivation I could ask for. And what better time to start with it than right this month. I will keep you posted about the developments on my blog’s page on facebook. Oh, and one more thing is that I really want to improve my photography skills.

So you see, we never stop learning, growing, changing, planning and experiencing after we graduate. Cause we’re all students of the school of life. It’s a good thing we have the first week of September to remind us of that. And to give us a chance to continue what we were doing but with new awareness and with fresh energy. Happy Back To School everyone!  

On Life, Golf Balls and Sand (published in HELLO Alanya, August 2014)

It’s been a tough month. A warm and sunny one, yes, but also a very dark one considering the news. Flight MH17 with on board 298 people (mostly Dutch) got shot down and crashed above the Ukraine on July 17, leaving no survivors. The shock and disbelieve still haven’t really passed. Watching the stories of these passengers makes you realize how fragile our lives are and how terrifying close we stand to the unknown. No matter how much we try to take control over things, it all can end in a second. And when it does, it feels like everything around us is breaking. Our hopes and plans for the future. Our sense of security. And most of all our hearts.
As we go our daily routines we can get so caught up with ‘being busy’ that we might lose sight of what really matters in life and what comes secondary. Unfortunately it usually takes a tragic events to brutally remind us of what is really important to us.
There is this story of the mayonnaise jar filled with wisdom about how we put our priorities straight. You may have heard of it before but if you haven’t I really want to share it with you so that you will be able to separate golf balls from sand when life gets overwhelming or if you feel like 24 hours in a day is not enough to get things done sometimes.
“A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things – God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else — the small stuff.” he said.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you…” he told them.
“So… pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first — the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

I’m off to France next week to visit my family and to spend lots of quality time together. They are my ‘golf balls’ after all. Hope you’ll be doing the same. Whether you are here on holiday with your friends or family or living here, enjoy your togetherness.

Love, K.

The Rhythm of Summer (published in HELLO Alanya, 2014)

What time is it? I mean what date? I mean..  what month are we in now?? Seriously, is it just me or did the last couple of months pass by faster than you can name them? One week you’re getting ready for the new season, the next one we’re already half way. You’d almost believe that there is some inflation going on with time as well. Remember when we were kids and a month used to actually mean something? You would get full value for a six week holiday. You could play forever and ever and summer would still last. Sweet and endless days filled with taking trips, visiting your grandparents, celebrating birthdays, swimming, ice cream, running around bare feet and staying up late. Nowadays I’m glad if I make it to Dimçayi once or twice before the month is over.

But just when you feel like you need to pull the brakes, life kindly does so for you. Or actually the heat does. It’s July and it’s getting hot in Alanya. Very hot. It’s the kind of heat that makes you want to spend the days either in the pool or somewhere close to an air-conditioner, to drink 4 liters of cold water throughout the day and eat watermelon for lunch and ice cream for dinner.  And so we see ourselves being forced to slow down and start to practice my favorite Turkish verb: Şekerleme yapmak, also known in other languages as ‘Siesta’ or ‘Il dolce far niente’ or ‘taking a nap’. You get the idea.. it’s that little hour of ‘sweet doing nothing’ in the afternoon. And I’m a big fan of that.

The heat lets the air tremble and burns the streets. Hours go by slowly and it feels like the sun is gonna be stuck high up in the sky forever. From sunrise till sunset there is the constant noise of crickets sitting in the trees, vibrating till they drop dead from exhaustion. Pretty tragic when you think of it. Judging by the sound there must be thousands of them sitting on the branches but it’s funny how you almost never see any. The smell in the air varies from sun lotion, sweat and exhaust fumes of traffic during the day to delicious food, often the smoke of barbeque, perfumes and cigarettes at night. During the day tourists are mostly to be found on the beach, defying the stitching sunrays to get that much desired holiday tan. But often ending up with a sunburn at the end of the day. Thank god the sun sets around 8pm so we get a chance to cool off and breathe more easily again. I used to love people watching from our restaurant’s terrace in the early evenings. Dressed up, excited and ready for a dinner and a fun night in town they walked by, on Alanya’s boulevard, picking a restaurant for dinner. At service hours all tables are taken, hundreds of steaks are being served and countless of cocktails are being mixed. Waiters working in full speed, perfectly in sync with the upbeat rhythms of the music. The guests are enjoying the food, the attention and the atmosphere. Around midnight the restaurants slowly but surely somewhat turn into a night club and the water pipes are put on the tables, spreading a soothing aroma of apple, cherry or mint. ‘All night Happy Hour’ a sign reads at the bar. And that’s definitely a promise kept, night after night.

Happy hour until the next morning, when the sun will come up and temperatures rapidly will climb up to nearly forty again. Slowing down the daily life.. until it almost comes to a complete stand still for one blissful hour of șekerleme in the afternoon. Just long enough until the worst heat will decline and the anticipation for the night rises again. It’s very much like the changing tides of the Mediterranean Sea this daily rhythm during high season, here at the south coast of Turkey. 

A little word on Babahood (published in HELLO Alanya, 2014)

Ever since I became a mommy last year, I slowly but surely feel the urge rising to write a few words on fatherhood, for all the fathers who I see around me. Especially for all the Turkish babas and most and for all my son’s baba. 

There is a whole world built up around mothers. In commercials for pampers and formula milk, in baby stores and on the net. Everywhere and anywhere baby related that I turn, it is me, the mother, that is being addressed and displayed. And rightly so of course, nothing is wrong with that. Mothers are after all the number one most important person in a newborn’s life. She’s the center of every baby’s universe. She is the one that makes the sun rise in the morning and set in the evening and who can make pain disappear with a hug and a kiss. But surely the only thing more sacred than mother and child is the beautiful trinity of mother, father and child. But where are those babas? Not in the media, not in the magazines and not in the hospital’s flyers on safety and care. No not there,  but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there at all. They are exactly where they need to be. Right by their wife’s and children’s side. And I know it because I see you everywhere around me dear babas. I see you playing with your kids on the playgrounds, pushing their swing and teaching them table tennis or how to kick a ball. I see you walking on the streets behind a stroller or holding your little one’s hand to prevent them from running into traffic. I see you on the beach putting lotion on your kids to protect them against the sun and teaching them how to swim and not to be afraid in the water. I see you in the waiting room at the hospital, distracting your young one with toys while you wait for your appointment. And drying their tears and offering comfort after the doctor gave them an injection. I see you in supermarkets, in restaurants and cafés, in the park, on the streets and even in your homes. And I wish everyone else could see you too.
There are still so many people who assume that Turkish fathers are not really involved in raising their children. How wrong they are. Of course, in some places and homes sadly this is the case. I know that there are fathers out there who only know how to make a baby but not how to raise them. Who always call their kids only kızım and oğlum and it makes you wonder whether they even know their real names at all. But thankfully this is a small part compared to the rest. And many of the rest are doing a wonderful job. When I told my friends that Bülent is such a great hands on daddy some asked me: ‘That’s so great. Did you have a talk about this before Ilyas was born?’. ‘No, not really’ I answered in all honesty. Actually, not at all. Didn’t have to and didn’t want to. I wanted to let him be the baba he was going be, on his own. It just came out naturally. All the love. All the care. All the play. It was all there. Sincerely. Completely. And I’m just glad that I will never have to wonder whether he’s just doing certain things because we had a talk about it before and agreed on it. He’s a natural. Like all the other super babas out there who perform little miracles every day. You may not be visible in the media as much as the mommies are and you might not get a chance to prove your skills to foreign eyes, but who cares about these things when in the eyes of your family you totally rock.